There was a time in my history I couldn’t really imagine making a commitment to be with only one man for the rest of my life. I’d been married and divorced, and I was enjoying the freedom of being single. Sure, it was hard sometimes, being alone and bearing the burdens of single parenthood. But it was exhilarating knowing I was in charge of my own life. When I made decisions, great or small, I didn’t have to consider the preferences or priorities of any other adult.
During those single years, I really enjoyed dating. I got to know a lot of men, and to see the world through their eyes. I had adventures, developed interests, and learned much I would not have accessed as a married woman. And when I met an attractive man, I loved knowing I could pursue that relationship as far as we both wanted to take it.
I have to admit fear played a part, as well. Even when I began to long for a deeper, more permanent connection, I resisted. In fact, my husband and I lived together for almost a decade before we formally married – long after we had cemented our commitment in other ways. I was afraid of making a mistake and afraid of giving up control. Perhaps my greatest fear, left over from childhood, was my deep fear of abandonment.
Coming of age as I did in the 60s and 70s, I’ve known a number of couples in open marriages. I don’t have any particular judgment about that, as long as everyone is in agreement. I’ve had friends from other cultures whose lives included polygamy – friends who grew up in Nigeria and Saudi Arabia. I have a friend from Latin America whose father had a mistress and a whole other family. My observation is that these relationships come with a lot of challenges, but I can’t presume to truly understand the feelings of people who grew up so differently than I.
Here’s what I do know, after living nearly twenty years in the committed, monogamous relationship I share with my husband. There is a depth of attachment and complete trust that comes from being committed and monogamous over time. It comes from exchanging respect, acts of kindness, and lovemaking. It deepens when you take care of each other during sickness, and fight your way through adversity. It emerges after you fight with each other in a clean way. It grows through having fun and accomplishing things together. It survives the stress of parenting. I personally believe that process would be diluted if it weren’t in the context of an intimate, one-on-one relationship.