Remembering Andrew Koenig

I just watched a short press conference given by the parents of Andrew Koenig, the young man whose body was just found in Vancouver. He had a long history of depression, and he took his own life. Andrew’s story has been in the news because he was a well-known child actor, and the son of Walter Koenig, who played Chekov on the original Star Trek, and perhaps because the attention of the world has already been on the Vancouver Olympics.

Unfortunately, Andrew is not unique. Approximately 32,000 people commit suicide each year in the U.S. alone. Many more unsuccessfully attempt suicide, and probably millions of others contemplate the possibility.

This tragic fact was brought home to my own family a couple of weeks ago, when my son learned one of his closest high school friends had died at his own hand. This young man was suffering after a divorce, the loss of his job, and the death of his mother. He was in so much pain he simply couldn’t see forward to a time when things would get better.

In my experience working with clients as well as in my own life, I have observed people can be divided into two categories: those who do not consider suicide an option, and those who do.

People in the first category may go through times of great emotional pain, but they never seriously contemplate killing themselves. People in the second category always have tucked in the back of their mind the idea that, if things get too unbearable, suicide can be a way out. We don’t know what all the determinants are that cause people to keep suicide as an option, but we do know it is often a decision that is made early in life.

When I was training as a therapist, I was taught that depression is intrinsically related to early life events, and alleviating it requires years of psychotherapy. But in recent decades we have come to understand that almost all depression is caused by brain chemical dysfunction, particularly a shortage of serotonin in the brain. I personally believe that the emotional and the physical affect each other; people with difficult childhoods or people who have been through great trauma in adulthood may develop a serotonin deficit. However, we also know that a predisposition to depression is often inherited; we see it in families. People whose childhoods were unremarkable may also grow up to be depressed.

Some depression is situational. A person may become depressed after a loss, then recover after a few months or a year or two. That person may never again experience depression. Others struggle their whole lives with chronic depression.

Along with all this new information about depression comes good news. Depression can be managed. Very effective drugs are now available, and there are also some very powerful nutriceutical approaches to the problem. Exercise and sleep are more important than most people realize.

Therapy still has a place in treating depression. A good therapist is one who will support the client in expressing his feelings, and will also teach him new thought patterns. Our thoughts generate our feelings, and depressed people can learn new ways to think about life. They can learn to tell themselves new stories, which result in new emotions.

Treatment for depression doesn’t always work the first time, or even the fifth time. The person in pain may simply be too depressed to go to therapy, especially if she doesn’t feel better immediately. She may feel so overwhelmed she gives up. She may not have insurance to pay for the drugs that have been prescribed.

A depressed person feels completely isolated inside her own pain. Her world shrinks down to herself and her feelings; she doesn’t believe that anyone outside can help. Frequently, people who are depressed feel ashamed that they cannot manage their lives better, or they simply cannot find the words to express the depth of their despair. The heartbreaking thing is that most depressed people are not alone. They are loved, but the people who love them often do not know the seriousness of the problem.

Suicide leaves a trail of wreckage behind. Friends and family are wracked with guilt, feeling they should have done more. Children of suicide suffer intensely; they feel abandoned, angry, and inadequate. As they grow up, they usually have trouble trusting in relationships. The great irony is that, had the depressed person managed to stay alive for a while longer, chances are great his life would have gotten much better.
Untold numbers of people who once contemplated suicide, or unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide, are now living very happy lives, feeling immensely grateful they survived.

In the days before he died, Andrew Koenig left some classic clues as to his intention. He declined a job offer that would once have interested him. He gave away his belongings; his family found his house empty. He touched base with friends, but didn’t really confide in them. He was saying goodbye. The people who loved him (it seems he had a devoted family and many good friends) knew he struggled with depression, and they were worried. But he slipped away from them and acted alone.

If you are depressed, there is some part of your mind that still retains perspective – some little part of you that can stand outside yourself and say, “I need help.” Even though you may feel hopeless, please engage that part of yourself and get help now. You can start by calling 1-800-SUICIDE. That is the number for the national suicide hotline, and they can refer you to resources you can afford. They can put you in touch with someone who will understand and will truly care about you, with the skills to help you help yourself.

If you fall into that second category, and suicide is an option for you, you can make a new decision. No matter how far down you feel, no matter how much you are hurting, you can decide not to bring pain to those you love. You can find within yourself the courage to keep going and to get the help you need.

If you fear that someone you love is contemplating suicide, you may also call the national suicide hotline, and they will give you ideas and practical assistance.

Whether your concern is for yourself or for another person, don’t give up. See yourself, or the one you love, happy again. Create a picture of a time, not too far in the future, when life is once again worth living. Ask for help. Ask for divine assistance, whatever your idea of God. Despite all the difficulties we see in the world, there is great love for us in the Universe, from other human beings but also from the divine intelligence that created us.

Again, that number is 1-800-SUICIDE.