The past few days I’ve been tied in knots, consumed with worry and anxiety. This is uncharacteristic for me, but it happens sometimes. The worry had taken over my mind to the point I couldn’t even meditate, which is generally the best tool in my sanity toolbox. I had temporarily lost my center, that clear connection to my higher self and my inner peace.
Last night I realized I have been so overwhelmed I’ve neglected my usual exercise routine and my daily walk. Austin is a wonderful town for walking; there are hike and bike trails, wonderful parks and public spaces all over the city. From September through April, it’s outdoor heaven. The rest of the year, however, not so much. It’s been over one hundred degrees this week, and it’s still May (which doesn’t bode well for the upcoming summer). In weather like this, early is best. So this morning, I set out walking about half past six.
There was a lovely breeze blowing through the trees and the flowers were all in bloom. The squirrels were foraging and the birds singing at full volume. As I walked, I could feel the tension in my body begin to release, just a bit. I started to pray.
I grew up Catholic, so I think in terms of “prayer” and “God.” But God, or the Universe, or the First Cause, or a Higher Power – however you conceive of whatever is out there – is too big to label and put in a box. So, as you read this, please understand I’m just describing my process, offering you my ideas to consider and, if you find them helpful, to modify for yourself.
Sometimes when my mind is knotted up, it helps me to use the formal, rote prayers. I began with a rosary, which consists of groups (or decades) of ten Hail Marys, interspersed with the Lord’s Prayer and a Gloria. On each decade, I kept my thoughts on a prayer intention, one of the several things that are of current concern to me. As I prayed and walked, I could feel the worry ease a little.
Then I did the Ho’oponno prayer: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. As I repeat those phrases, I am acknowledging that I and everyone else in my life, are connected through our unity with God. If something is not working in my life, or in my relationships, or in the life of another person in my awareness, I am somehow part of the problem. And I can heal the situation by healing myself and sending healing energy through the prayer.
As I said the phrases, I kept in mind the things I feel need healing. I began, of course, with my own personal issues. In addition to those issues, at the moment I am having a disruption in my relationship with an old friend. She’s going through some troubles of her own, and she’s withdrawn from me. I think I’ve unwittingly offended her, or at least somehow prodded her in a tender area. I’ve reached out and done all I can do on a “real world” level, several times. Now it’s her decision whether or not to engage again with me. So my job at this point is to send healing to myself and to her, and to release and accept what is and whatever will be as the situation unfolds. I felt that knot begin to untie.
Several people in my family are going through challenges. I’ve given the support I can on a practical and emotional level, and I know any further steps are theirs. What I can do is hold the picture of a good outcome for them, and release my own anxiety. As I used the four phrases, I felt those knots relax and loosen.
In the midst of this processing, I became aware of the anger I’ve been holding toward the surgeon who worked on my knee last year. My knee is much, much better. A year ago I was using a cane. Now I can walk an hour with only an occasional twinge, and that’s huge progress. But I can’t run (not that I’ve ever been much of a runner), and negotiating stairs is still painful and slow.
He promised me a return to full function in my knee, and it hasn’t happened. His surgical assistant promised me I’d be 100% recovered within two months, and that was not true. I’ve resumed my physical therapy exercises, and I’m using some non-traditional approaches to the problem, but on the walk, it occurred to me my knee may not heal until I completely forgive, release my anger, and surrender to what is. That knot got a little looser.
I haven’t yet returned to a state of joy, but I’m moving back in that direction.
How do you untie your knots?
I wish the very best for you Jillian. Life has a way of throwing us curve balls and things don’t always turn out as we would like or anticipate. You are doing the best medicine there is: walking and prayer. If you ever need a exercise bike take a look at the reviews on my site.
May God Bless You and Yours
YOu asked about coping techniques and whether we would share them. I have an odd coping technique that I used to use a LOT. When something bothered me horribly, I would envision a beautiful place in a garden. It was a gazebo overlooking the ocean, perhaps in the mediterranean. There, I kept a golden box. I called it my Pandora’s box. I kept it chained to the ground…like in the old mythology stories of Pandora’s box
When something bothered me intensely, I would go to my beaUtiful place and there was a movie projector and screen there. I projected the BAD thing that had happened onto the screen and then, I magically rolled up the screen and shoved the ends of the screen together till it was the size of a drinking glass. I then unchained Pandora’s box, opened it quickly and shoved the projector screen into it. I chained the box back up and although it would rattle around a bit after being chained, I couldn’t see OR feel the pain from the BAD thing that had happened.
Funny thing is…when my dad died and was cremated…he was buried in a box that looked EXACtly like my Pandora’s box. He and I had had a horrible relationship in me youth, but in the later I had made peace with how I felt about him. I have never HAd to use my Pandora’s box again after he died. I am able to let most things go without all that fuss. Weird, huh?
That sounds so powerful, Kate – and fascinating that you envisioned the box before the event. Thank you for sharing that. When I meditate, I “take myself” to my special place by the ocean, and I often use a big screen to see my desires happening in front of me.
Thanks, Michael. For me, walking and prayer certainly help. I am using an exercise bike, but haven’t yet tried the recumbent type. I always value your exercise information – you’re certainly one of the most knowledgeable people I know in that area.
It is not good to feel unwell in your own body, be it physically, emotionally or mentally. This unfortunately builds up. Long ago if you do not release it regularly, but our techniques are our own, build upon what others have taught us. My technique was the Ho’oponono but now it is clearing out of debris inside me, calling love to replace any and all darkness with love.
Good luck my dear Jillian. ((Hugs))
MJ
Jillian,
I’m feeling it too. In fact, I posted this on my FB wall this week.
“If you’re feeling unrest in your emotions and can’t quite put your finger on why, you’re likely being called to a higher place of living. It is the voice of wisdom telling you, ‘there’s a higher place of thought, attitude, demeanor and action’.”
I believe that is what wisdom revealed to me. Thought it might give you a little boost as well.
Love you dear lady,
Michael
I love that, Michael. And in fact, I’ve been feeling the same sort of call. Just staying as peaceful as possible, and waiting for more clarity. Thank you for sharing.
I definitely agree that emotion builds energy that can get “stuck” in our bodies; I know that’s why I need exercise. And calling love to replace darkness – beautiful, MJ! Hugs to you.